Introduction

This chapter explores how, and to what extent, the three generations in our group of divorced families communicated with each other about marriage breakdown and its consequences. First, it looks at the way that parents warned their own parents about their impending separation, and then investigates what the grandchildren told their mothers, fathers and grandparents about their relationships with the ‘other side’ of their divided families. The chapter also investigates whether or not children were used as conduits for the flow of information between the two sides of the divorced family.

Telling grandparents about the planned separation

Although grandparents were not asked directly when and how they were told about the breakdown of their child’s marriage, the interview guide included questions about their relationships with grandchildren before and after the separation. Almost half the grandparents interviewed mentioned their surprise at learning of their child’s separation. It was common for parents to hide their marriage problems from their own parents and the news of the separation often came as a shock to grandparents. Parents admitted that they were reluctant to take grandparents into their confidence, but their explanations made it clear that this was neither symptomatic of a lack of affection nor a failure to anticipate the likely effects of their separation on the wider family. A rather similar conclusion, it may be recalled, was made as a result of the investigation of children’s reluctance to confide in their grandparents when they felt upset or worried about family break-up (see Chapter Three).

The deliberate concealment of problems might be interpreted as evidence that parents did not consider grandparents to be involved. However, divorced couples were also concerned about disappointing their parents; they were worried about invoking their displeasure and anxious to protect them from the pain of their divorce – feelings that are characteristic of many parent–child relationships. The interview data revealed that most mothers had worried needlessly and were pleasantly surprised by their parents’ reactions to being told that the marriage had ended. For example, Alfie’s mother recalled:

A changing relationship

In Chapter Two, we discussed some of the factors that previous studies have indicated influence the nature of grandparents’ relationships with their grandchildren. In this chapter, we ask: ‘What importance do grandchildren attach to their relationship with their grandparents and how might these relationships be affected by divorce? And, ‘is there evidence of continuity in the grandparent–grandchild relationship in divorced families as well as evidence of change as the result of family break-up?’.

Grandparent’s relationships with their grandchildren

The studies reviewed in Chapter Two made it clear that grandparent age is related to the frequency of grandparents’ contact with their grandchildren and that older grandchildren have less contact with their grandparents. But does this mean that they are not as emotionally close to their grandparents? Here, we begin by considering the views of some teenage grandchildren and their feelings about their grandparents. They reported that they have close relationships with their grandparents, but this assertion was often accompanied by apparently contradictory evidence of a growing emotional distance. Being ‘close to grandparents’ could mean seeing them regularly, enjoying their company, sharing intimacies and expressing affection. However, we discovered that the phrase need not imply anything about frequency of contact and was used on occasion to mean ‘nurturing positive feelings’. Evidence from divorced parents suggested that older grandchildren saw their grandparents less frequently than their younger brothers and sisters. Mothers, we discovered, occasionally reminded their children that they had not seen their grandparents for some time and persuaded them to accompany them on a visit to their grandparents’ home. They reported a gradual reduction in their children’s contact with their grandparents. Most felt that this did not mean that relationships could no longer be described as ‘close’ or that grandchildren and grandparents felt less affection for each other. It was, in parents’ opinions, understandable that the relationship should change.

Introduction

Following parental separation and divorce, grandparents in our study usually sympathised with their adult child and criticised the behaviour of their ex-son or ex-daughter-in-law. However, this was not the only strategy and, although it is recognised that divorce is a difficult process, some couples appeared to achieve reasonably harmonious arrangements and a minority of grandparents demonstrated that their non-partisan approach could also make a contribution to harmony. Most, however, did not think about the longer-term implications of their relationships with an ex-child-in-law. They were often angry and some were bitterly partisan in their feelings. Some grandparents took sides after the break-up and continued to harbour strong feelings of resentment for their sons or daughters-in-law long after their child’s marriage had ended. Parents often reported that their own parents had ceased contact with their exspouse because they held him or her responsible for the failure of the marriage. This was often presented as a natural feeling and one that might reasonably be expected of grandparents in a divorced family.

Grandparents’ partisan feelings

Twenty-five grandparenting couples and 11 lone grandparents in 30 different families were interviewed in the course of the research. There were 21 interviews with maternal grandparents and 15 with paternal grandparents. Five maternal and two paternal grandparents took an apparently neutral stance when asked about their relationship with their ex-child-in-law. They said that they were ‘civil’ and ‘polite’ to their child’s ex-spouse or explained that there was ‘no contact but no animosity’. In nine grandparent interviews (five with maternal and four with paternal grandparents) it was clear that they had retained friendly relationships with their divorced child’s ex-spouse. However, more than half of our grandparents (11 maternal and 9 paternal) expressed resentment.

Grandparents’ resentment