Introduction

I have always been closer to my maternal relatives than the relatives on the paternal side of my family. I believe it all started in my childhood, during which I spent most of my time with my maternal grandparents while my mother was busy with work. From day to day, my grandfather played all sorts of different games with me; my older cousin and two aunts also visited frequently. As a result of such experiences, I became emotionally attached to them from a young age, and these bonds have endured. For me, kin closeness is animated through quality time together and affective communication. As a result, I feel it is simply ‘natural’ that I do not have equally intimate feelings for my paternal relatives and that there is no need to make any effort to change this. These personal and family memories, I believe, have played an indispensable role in my processes of growth and self-identification.

My mother, however, has always disagreed with me on this point, although she herself has long been distant from her mother-in-law as well as my father's brother and sister. This was certainly related to my mother's own personality, as she admitted, but she also told me stories of how my paternal grandmother was a dominant and self-centred woman, refusing to support us on various issues. Probably it was due to this enduring ‘disharmony’ in my family that my mother hoped I could play my part to improve the quality of the kinship bond. For example, she constantly told me I should have felt close to my paternal relatives because of the patrilineal blood tie, or the indisputable importance of relatives and kin relationships to everyone. After I left Shenyang for university, every time I went back home, my mother reminded me before any paternal family gathering to “perform intimately to them”. But I have long been resistant to such performances of intimacy, or as Finch (2007: 73) terms it, ‘family display’ – an intention to prove that ‘these are my family relationships, and they work’. Fortunately, my father has little to say on this slightly awkward issue, which gives me a sense of relief.