Good Night, Ester (Night, Day 15)

It is late and I am still sitting at my desk.

Before starting this letter, I placed the record Fuad had given me on the gramophone. When Floria began her sad song, I started writing. Whether this is a good thing or not, I don't know but yes, Ester, I am still alive. I am free from danger and have overcome the obstacles that were in my way. It may be something akin to a miracle but yes, I am still alive…

Whereas this morning, when I was getting into Mehmed Esad's car, I didn't know if I would make it back to the hotel alive. Last night, after I had written my goodbyes to you and had put my pen down, I sat back and looked back on the chain of events, starting with my first encounter with Mehmed Esad up to my abduction by Fuad, but unfortunately, all the coincidences, all the words that had been spoken and the details and the possibilities that I managed to recall only led to the same results. Tomorrow the riddle would be solved, I told myself, but the real question was, what would the unravelled riddle result in? At one point I thought about going to my house in Beşiktaş to get my father's beloved old service revolver (which I have held on to almost like a sacred relic), not so I could defend myself from an ambush but so I could take them down with me on the way to the grave when they did jump me, but I then decided against it. What would be gained by more people dying? Who would benefit? The situation was clear. History had passed its verdict. Our party had been routed, and its members were broken and scattered. Personal costs would naturally have to be paid.

Actually, whatever it was that might have been lying in store for me at the Ferah Theatre, I deserved a long time ago. For instance, what difference is there between me and the millions of innocent people that lost their lives during that tumultuous era that began in 1906? Most of them were innocent and had little to do with the terrible human tragedy that was taking place, whereas I had been on the front lines of those bloody games since the very beginning.