Hello Ester (Dawn, Day 4)

Once again, that terrible dream woke me up in the middle of the night… I haven't had that dream – that nightmare – for some time but now it has once more become an obstacle to any improvements or changes that may occur in my inner world. I got up, switched on the light and drank some water. It was dark outside and for some reason I refrained from opening the window. Instead, I wandered around the room a little before sitting down on the edge of the bed. I stared at my pillow for some time but all it did was stare back at me… Sleep was truly evading me. Lying down and closing my eyes was not going to do me any good so I went into the bathroom and washed my face, after which I sat down at my desk and decided to carry on with my writing.

I first had this nightmare the night after the uprising of the 31st March. Or rather, the night of that Saturday after the crushing of the attempted uprising and the defeat of the plotters. I shall write to you about those days in more detail but now I want to tell you about this awful reoccurring dream of mine. I'm in Salonika. It is an autumn night and I'm at the party's swearing-in ceremony, the same as the one I had participated in for real years earlier. Uncle Leon brings me to the front of a building, although I can't really tell as my eyes are covered. The password is given and a door opens. Uncle Leon leaves me there by the door and disappears. Just as in the actual event, a man whose breath reeks of tobacco takes me by the arm. Only this time it feels different. This time I'm scared, whereas years earlier I had been more excited than afraid. As we make our way down the hall, I hear faint sounds and the low hum of whispers tangled in the wind. I feel as though I am passing through a crowd of people who are pointing at me and talking about me in hushed voices. Not just talking about me but accusing me too.