Introduction

Following parental separation and divorce, grandparents in our study usually sympathised with their adult child and criticised the behaviour of their ex-son or ex-daughter-in-law. However, this was not the only strategy and, although it is recognised that divorce is a difficult process, some couples appeared to achieve reasonably harmonious arrangements and a minority of grandparents demonstrated that their non-partisan approach could also make a contribution to harmony. Most, however, did not think about the longer-term implications of their relationships with an ex-child-in-law. They were often angry and some were bitterly partisan in their feelings. Some grandparents took sides after the break-up and continued to harbour strong feelings of resentment for their sons or daughters-in-law long after their child’s marriage had ended. Parents often reported that their own parents had ceased contact with their exspouse because they held him or her responsible for the failure of the marriage. This was often presented as a natural feeling and one that might reasonably be expected of grandparents in a divorced family.

Grandparents’ partisan feelings

Twenty-five grandparenting couples and 11 lone grandparents in 30 different families were interviewed in the course of the research. There were 21 interviews with maternal grandparents and 15 with paternal grandparents. Five maternal and two paternal grandparents took an apparently neutral stance when asked about their relationship with their ex-child-in-law. They said that they were ‘civil’ and ‘polite’ to their child’s ex-spouse or explained that there was ‘no contact but no animosity’. In nine grandparent interviews (five with maternal and four with paternal grandparents) it was clear that they had retained friendly relationships with their divorced child’s ex-spouse. However, more than half of our grandparents (11 maternal and 9 paternal) expressed resentment.

Grandparents’ resentment