Introduction

This chapter explores how, and to what extent, the three generations in our group of divorced families communicated with each other about marriage breakdown and its consequences. First, it looks at the way that parents warned their own parents about their impending separation, and then investigates what the grandchildren told their mothers, fathers and grandparents about their relationships with the ‘other side’ of their divided families. The chapter also investigates whether or not children were used as conduits for the flow of information between the two sides of the divorced family.

Telling grandparents about the planned separation

Although grandparents were not asked directly when and how they were told about the breakdown of their child’s marriage, the interview guide included questions about their relationships with grandchildren before and after the separation. Almost half the grandparents interviewed mentioned their surprise at learning of their child’s separation. It was common for parents to hide their marriage problems from their own parents and the news of the separation often came as a shock to grandparents. Parents admitted that they were reluctant to take grandparents into their confidence, but their explanations made it clear that this was neither symptomatic of a lack of affection nor a failure to anticipate the likely effects of their separation on the wider family. A rather similar conclusion, it may be recalled, was made as a result of the investigation of children’s reluctance to confide in their grandparents when they felt upset or worried about family break-up (see Chapter Three).

The deliberate concealment of problems might be interpreted as evidence that parents did not consider grandparents to be involved. However, divorced couples were also concerned about disappointing their parents; they were worried about invoking their displeasure and anxious to protect them from the pain of their divorce – feelings that are characteristic of many parent–child relationships. The interview data revealed that most mothers had worried needlessly and were pleasantly surprised by their parents’ reactions to being told that the marriage had ended. For example, Alfie’s mother recalled: