The June edition of Muses – the arts blog from BJPsych International –features an article by Remi Olutimayin, a Nigeria-born voice director of animation. Remi was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome as an adult. He reflects on his childhood, his serendipitous journey to diagnosis, and how being diagnosed empowered him with language and a sense of community in Lagos, Nigeria.

I was 40, newly married, expecting a child, & Asperger’s became my word. This perturbed my wife, was rejected by my sister, & puzzled recent friends.

As a child of late 70s Lagos, I had two categories: normal & embarrassing. Embarrassing children were often ‘removed from circulation’ if they did not become normal. I thought I became normal. I didn’t. I just blended in.

MASKING

To ‘mask’ is to blend in. I speak well, start relationships, re-frame my peculiarities unique to my part of the spectrum.

EARLY DIAGNOSIS

Would my life have been easier with an early diagnosis? Sure. Easier to navigate at least . Being diagnosed in childhood might have meant a better understanding of my ‘episodes’: sensory overload, my sudden outbursts, being socially stiff & uncompromising, embrace my neurodiversity with kindness.

Personally, Martin Buber’s work I  and Thou sheds light on my self-observed regular interactions. “I” is for the people that I meet. At first I’m regarded as “Thou”. A precious few keep me as “Thou”. The bulk would inventory me an “it”.

I’m now more aware of the social conditions of others with ‘otherbilities’, (thanks to parents & advocates) I’m talking dyslexia, cerebral palsy, etc.

SOCIALISATION

Could many interactions have gone better if I was aware? Like pedestrian conversations I took into subterranean warrens of niche knowledge.

I’d have stayed a solitary & socially-bruised odd thing in mostly even places, had Dotun Akande not reached out in 2018. I did initially brush her off. Good intentions are a trojan horse (I’m first found acceptable for my ‘intelligence’ possibly ‘usefulness’. After further interactions, disappointment because I’m not ‘normal’ enough). These are not proclivities.  

It’s an unpleasant pressure, anticipating this with every new interaction. With Asperger’s now considered, I understand why people don’t share my certainties, & I make room for this. I recognize better the differences between masking and second guessing myself relentlessly. But more importantly, I can tell the difference between imposition & delayed agreement.

I’m glad I took up Dotun’s invitation to the Annual Autism Conference and Consultation sponsored by GTCO. I had never been in a room with so many others like me. It felt ‘safe’.

WHAT NEXT?

I’m optimistic about intervention outcomes in Nigeria now. Interventions (from experience) meant guilt trips, claims that I waver between laziness and dishonesty. My personal favourite, ‘You know better’. The month of April was dedicated to Autism. Passionate mothers had always driven inclusion, now we better coordination of efforts in Nigeria, with more people & resources for interventions available. At least for children.

To the well intentioned (& poorly informed) neurodiversity is new excuse for poor behaviour. With these new efforts, I trust the informed will not make enemies out of us. Maybe even bridge friendships between us and those who cannot fathom why I am a certain type of clueless.

For the record, I’m not clueless. I have different ideas on what is important or unimportant.

Autism Interview – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwwmmfwuamA

Welcome to Muses – the arts blog from BJPsych International. Launched in March 2022, this new blog aims to highlight international art and artists, particularly from low-and-middle-income countries, with a focus on mental health. We welcome submissions for consideration, such as, comments on artwork, visual arts, literature, drama, films, podcasts, and videos. Do have a look at the instructions for blog authors for details on how to submit. General enquiries about the blog: BJPInternational@rcpsych.ac.uk