This edition of Muses – the arts blog from BJPsych International – features a blog by Marcos Leonardo Juarez Aguaysol, a psychiatrist from Argentina, a tribute to one of his patients and Argentine poet, Alejandra Pizarnik.

“I would like to live in order to write. Not to think of anything else other than to write… I want peace: to read, to study, to earn some money so that I become independent from my family, and to write”

– Alejandra Pizarnik 
(translated by Patricio Ferrari)

I once met a woman admitted following a suicide attempt. She spent four weeks in the psychiatric hospital where I had many interviews with her during my morning rounds. During one of such interviews, she said to me, “I was a writer and I love to read and write poetry, like Alejandra Pizarnik.”I found this interesting because I also love literature. 

She made some reading recommendations. One of them was a poem by Alejandra Pizarnik, sala de psicopatologia – psychiatic ward, here Pizarnik describes the psychiatric ward and her memories at Pirovano Hospital in Greater Buenos Aires during her hospitalization in 1971. There were detailed descriptions of philosophy, sexual experiences, depression and melancholy and a lot of places in the world, especially France. Pizarnik ended her poem with these words, “Language / I can’t take it anymore/ my soul, my little non-existent one / make up your mind…” and I remember description of a similar situation with my patient when she said, “my voice can’t decide, sometimes I felt that I´m not real.” 

After she was discharged from inpatient care, I continued to see her at the hospital for six months. One day she brought a copy of Alejandra Pizarnik’s Diarios /Diaries* and she said to me, “Doctor Leo, in this book you can learn more about our depression, but without treatment. I think you will have to research the treatment aspect elsewhere. I’m lending this to you.”

I began to read it and it was so hard, first because I was studying a lot (granted, this is an excuse) and mainly because those descriptions were sad. I could also read my patient’s empathic assertions in the margins like “it´s true” “my mornings are horrible too, Alejandra”  as though it was a conversation between her and Pizarnik.

The next month, I had her book in my backpack waiting for her but she did not attend the appointment. She had never missed a doctor’s appointment before. I spoke with her for just a moment and she told me, “Now I have my assurance thanks to you and your team, with my family we decided to go to private consultation.”

 I said, “I have your book”. She said,“Yes I know, thank you so much, the book is yours! but I will come to greet you.”

About two months later, I received the news that she had committed suicide. It was midday in the summer of 2019 and I was in the middle of Plaza Belgrano of the Jujuy province. I walked many blocks to the bus stop, thinking, what’s happened? 

She seemed alright the last time I spoke with her. So, I arrived at home, I took her gift, and I finished reading the book in three days as a personal tribute, as a final interview in the words of Pizarnik and my way of saying goodbye.

More about Alejandra Pizarnik:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/articles/147441/from-paris-with-love-and-terror

Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 – 1972 eBook : Pizarnik, Alejandra, Siegert, Yvette: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

Welcome to Muses – the arts blog from  BJPsych International.  Launched in March 2022, this new blog aims to highlight international art and artists, particularly from low-and-middle-income countries, with a focus on mental health. We welcome submissions for consideration, such as, comments on artwork, visual arts, literature, drama, films, podcasts, and videos. Do have a look at the instructions for blog authors for details on how to submit. General enquiries about the blog: BJPInternational@rcpsych.ac.uk  

Professor David Skuse, Editor-in-Chief, BJPsych International