Edward Aczel (UK)
Think about what’s the worst that could happen.
Stephen Bailey (UK)
A spin class.
Maria Bamford (USA)
Imagine a room-sized version of my mother (she is deceased), sitting on the crowd.
Daman Bamrah (UK)
I memorise my jokes and the order in which I want to tell them. I’ve noticed after doing this for a few years now that most nerves I experience on stage come from lack of preparation. If I’m onstage desperately trying to remember what my jokes are and the order in which I want to say them, it knocks my confidence which can affect my delivery and consequently the audience’s perception of me. So I always learn what I want to say. Even if it’s new material that turns out to be rubbish … that rubbish needs to be memorised!
Angela Barnes (UK)
I’d like to say that I do breathing exercises and go over my set. But the truth is I usually look at the audience and go through all the reasons that I think this particular audience will hate me. It fits in with my worldview – if I expect the worst, I’m never disappointed! I now acknowledge that that is part of my process. I have to imagine worst-case scenarios. Then when I realise I can survive them, I am OK.
Jo Brand (UK)
Very little. Have a coffee and on and off over the years (on at the moment) smoke fags.
Jo Caulfield (UK)
Focus. Get in a bad mood. Allow myself complete artistic freedom. Check my shoelaces are tied. (A bad mood + jokes = a joyous celebration of Anger!)
Tanyalee Davis (Canada/USA/UK)
I watch the comedians before me to get a sense of the audience and to listen if I could potentially CALL BACK to a previous comedians set. Audiences love that.
Tiernan Douieb (UK)
I often make sure I know the first thing I’m going to say, and the very last thing. I’ll have run through my set in my head a few times earlier in the day and so as long as I remember what the first and last gag will be, I know the rest will fall into place. I used to run it all through in my head right before the show but now I prefer to just be relaxed, having a chat with the other acts or stage manager, or whoever is around before walking on.
Alex Farrow (UK)
I read through my notes from a previous gig. Listen to my set. Just before – look out at the room. Walk around the gig if possible/practical.
Mary Gallagher (USA)
I watch every comic before me, tap into what’s happening onstage, survey the room and see what is unusual or interesting and if in a new location, I write the first few minutes of my act with jokes just for them to personalise it.
Justin Herman (USA)
I always write out the set list I want to do, identify the riskiest joke in the list for that crowd and write alternative jokes for the set if it bombs, to remind myself to always stay loose and be prepared to respond to the moment.
Bec Hill (Australia/UK)
I’ll usually run through my bullet-point list on my fingers a few times. If it’s a big gig and I’m nervous, I’ll say the Lord’s Prayer under my breath (sometimes repeatedly). It’s very meditative and calming.
Harry Hill (UK)
Pace up and down, write stuff on my hand.
Matt Hoss (UK)
I always feel like I will forget my jokes, so I practise saying the first joke, so that the rest of the set can flow really nicely.
Tom Houghton (UK)
Empty my pockets and bowels. Then hop about a little to get myself in a playful mood.
Charmian Hughes (UK)
Decide running order – then run the content of my set as if it is a real memory of things that actually happened through my mind.
Robin Ince (UK)
Sometimes I will be taking to people at the side of stage until the moment I go on. I do think, ‘Whatever happens, make sure you are giving fucking everything’ (I think of Rik Mayall) and often I am onstage as the audience come in and I chat to people or pootle about.
Radu Isac (Romania/UK)
I don’t really sit down and write. I book gigs and prepare a set in my head. I’ve written more than half of my jokes in the hour before going on stage. The stress helps me concentrate. When things get serious, I listen to the recording of past gigs and edit bits.
Milton Jones (UK)
I pace up and down a lot. I practise new bits. And I pray that the audience experience joy.
Jackie Kashian (USA)
I do laps and look at my set list a lot.
Brian Kiley (USA)
I make a list of all the jokes I’m going to do that night and then take a picture of my setlist on my phone to look at when I’m at the club. I put my new jokes in bold and rehearse them in the car. I also will listen to previous sets on my way to the gig. Then, just before I go on, for good luck, I peek at a picture of my kids.
Athena Kugblenu (UK)
Drink water or coffee depending on my state.
Beth Lapides (USA)
Check in on the material, chit-chat to get loosened up, hair and make-up to get centred, coffee and ricola lozenge, chi chant with the band, pee obviously, and finally just surrender to be of service.
Stewart Lee (UK)
Nothing.
Pope Lonergan (UK)
If I suspect the audience is going to be difficult, or not fully invested, I go out and mingle with them (shake hands; introduce myself). I think it’s more difficult for the audience to reject you completely (which, thankfully, happens very rarely) if they’ve gotten to know you – albeit briefly – offstage.
Elf Lyons (UK)
My dad said, ‘Treat yourself like an athlete’, and that is what I do. I do a full warm up, squats, planks, stretches. Before I get announced onto stage it always looks like I am prepared to run the 100 metres. I have to get myself frightened and pumped up, otherwise – what is the point?
Jimmy McGhie (UK)
Very little in fact which is lazy and often results in struggling off the top. A good stretch and even some vocal warms can help so much, but you just feel like such a wally doing them in a green room!
Andrew McClelland (Australia)
Pace about nervously with my script held, totemically in my hand. Even if it’s towards the end of a season and I know the show inside out, I’ll still glance at my script before I go on. It becomes a comfort script.
Aditi Mittal (India)
Smile, with my whole body – even if my mind is not feeling it that day, my body tricks it into thinking it is.
Alfie Moore (UK)
No ritual other than to glance at set notes before walking out.
Martin Mor (Northern Ireland/UK)
Change into stage clothes, this always gets me into ‘work’ mode. Breathing exercise to raise endorphins.
Al Murray (UK), who Performs as the Pub Landlord (UK)
My pre-stage preparation is for as little as possible to happen. We’ll even be watching The One Show or something normal and boring just before I go on. So that going onstage is where the thing begins, rather than like a sort of psyching-up process. Because I’ve never felt that’s helpful. And I certainly don’t get into character, or any of that actor-y stuff. You know, I just go on and get on with it.
Sander Õigus (Estonia)
Ideally tell jokes and have fun with other comedians so that I can go on stage happy, laughing and in a good mindset. Also, that helps avoid getting nervous and overthinking things. Nice, happy and loose is the way to go.
Anuvab Pal (India)
I drink an espresso and write down my whole set at some point during the day before the gig. And every gig, I try to add a little bit.
Rayen Panday (Netherlands)
Subconsciously I notice that my head starts to puzzle the set together the day before the gig and I love to shower right before the gig, put on comfortable shoes and a polo.
Lucy Porter (UK)
I used to have rituals and real superstitions actually. I used to have to eat a banana before a gig, wear a certain outfit, do my make-up in exactly the right order. I got into a thing in Edinburgh at the Festival where I had to give money to someone. Because I’d done that once, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, do a good deed and that’ll get you in the right mood’. I was chasing round the streets of Edinburgh trying to find homeless people for half an hour before my show. Anyway, so all of this I decided to kill because I could see the way it was heading which was into really compulsive behaviour territory. So now, if at all possible, I try and be chatting to someone. If there’s no one around then I’ll be playing my Countdown app on my phone. And I try to create as little friction between on and offstage as possible, so that I’m carrying a conversation that I was just having in the dressing room onto the stage with me as I go.
Rod Quantock (Australia)
I wish I could say I prepare. I might brush my hair. I always gather the audience in the foyer, lead them in, greet them at the door individually, and do that in reverse order at the end. The show always starts before the show starts.
Mark Simmonds (UK)
I don’t perform well if I’m nervous beforehand. The more relaxed I am the better I am. So, before walking onstage I continuously tell myself, ‘I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a shit’.
Mark Thomas (UK)
I arrive two hours before the show and have a ritual of tasks. Say hello to the tech team. Sound check, sing a song down the mic, shout and click my tongue and make noises. Find out where the edge of the stage is. I know it is obvious but it is good to go and hang your feet over the edge of the stage. Look at the space you are working in. Try and get to the furthest seat at the back. I often just sit and have a think in the furthest seat. If the show is a theatre show I run though the tech changes, making sure I have got the muscle memory for cues, running any interactive audio and film. Do a speed run of the show. Especially if I have not done it for a day or two. Make sure I have water onstage. Then talk to duty manager about merch, latecomers, trigger stuff like flashing lights. Iron my stage stuff, trousers and shirt. Always do this. The audience have made the effort so should you. I have a pair of shoes I wear for stage only, I call them the show wheels. Run through bits or think of new ideas. Wash and shave. Audience make the effort … Inhaler if I am chesty. Water, coffee. Brush teeth. Run any bits that are tongue twisty. Think. Maybe look at news. Wee. Water. Go. In interval, iron shirt for second half. Notes on first half. Wash and clean underwear. I know, I know, but I like to start the second half clean and fresh.
Nigel Williams (UK/Belgium)
I try to get on stage with an ‘open mind’ so the spontaneous doesn’t get ‘shut out’. I try to think of laughter, comedy, pace around, and drink water. And talk as little as possible to anyone hanging around backstage – concentrate.
Bilal Zafar (UK)
I’ll jot some bullet points on the back of left hand and try to make sure I know what I’m going to say. It helps me focus and is probably the result of always losing my place in my first few gigs I ever did. I also make sure my Casio is set to stopwatch. I know comedians that can do 20 minutes without even glancing at a watch but my material is all stories of varying length and I might end up improvising some nonsense and accidently running 10 minutes over if I’m not careful.
