Wellness, fairness, and worthiness are central concerns in the pursuit of thriving. Wellness is a positive state of affairs, in multiple domains of life, derived from the satisfaction of subjective and objective needs. Fairness can be defined as the practice of justice. Fairness is multifaceted, entailing, among others, distributive, procedural, and corrective justice. Worthiness can be defined as a sense of mattering, which derives from feeling valued and having opportunities to add value. There is evidence that wellness is highly influenced by both fairness and worthiness. We submit that the extent to which diverse groups suffer or thrive depends on the presence or absence of wellness, fairness, and worthiness in their lives. We explore this hypothesis through the lived experience of four groups: LGBTQAI+, Muslim women in Indonesia, Black girls in high school and Black women navigating predominantly White higher education institutions in the United States.

Our approach to thriving encompasses not just the growth of individuals but also of collectives. Therefore, when we talk about how people thrive in this chapter and throughout the book, we refer to people in the singular and in the plural. Instead of creating a dichotomy between individual and community, we refer to people as comprising the unique lives of each one of us, the relational bonds that tie us together, and the communities and settings we are a part of. Our definition of thriving acknowledges the primordial role of situational fairness, the phenomenology of worthiness, and the myriad forms of wellness. In other words, thriving consists of context + experiences + outcomes. We submit that the key context impacting our ability to thrive as individuals and collectives is one of fairness. Similarly, we argue that key experiences have to do with mattering and a sense of worth, both of which have to do with feeling valued and opportunities to add value. Finally, we make the point that wellness exists in multiple forms and for people to thrive they should nurture all of them.

Connections that help us feel valued and add value impact our health, happiness, love, work, and society. The consequences of mattering or not mattering can be seen everywhere, at every age. The lack of mattering often results in depression, suicide, and even aggression and xenophobia. People who suffer from depression, workers who feel alienated, and citizens whose identity is threatened feel devalued. They feel that their lives, work, and identity do not matter. While some respond to this situation by internalizing feelings of despondence, others overcompensate by nurturing feelings of superiority and joining nationalistic movements headed by authoritarian leaders. Feeling devalued or overvalued, in relationships, at work, and in the world, is one of the most serious threats facing us. They derive from a failure to foster mattering. They results can be disastrous for individuals and society as a whole. When disaffected masses feel that their identity is devalued in society, they respond in one of two ways. They either turn toward nationalism and extremism, as in the case of xenophobic movements, or they protest to defend their rights.

This chapter introduces an evidence-based model for personal change called BET I CAN. BET I CAN stands for Behaviors, Emotions, Thoughts, Interactions, Context, Awareness, and Next steps. When it comes to mattering, you can easily see that it involves all the BET I CAN levers. For instance, we can add value by doing something (behaviors), relating to people in certain ways (interactions), and shaping the community where we live (context). In turn, we can feel valued through emotions or thoughts. Our plans to add value, or feel valued, as the case may be, always require awareness of our situation and next steps. Each letter of the BET I CAN model encompassed two skills. This is what we teach in the chapter: Behaviors (Set a Goal and Create a Positive Habits), Emotions (Cultivate Positive Emotions and Manage Negative Emotions), Thoughts (Challenge Negative Assumptions and Write a New Story), Interactions (Connect and Communicate), Context (Read the Cues and Change the Cues), Awareness (Know Yourself and Know the Issue), and Next Steps (Make a Plan and Make it Stick).

Unconditional positive regard by parents paves the way to unconditional self-regard, a felt sense that one is worthy and acceptable even when making mistakes, experiencing failure, or behaving in less than desirable ways. People with high self-esteem perceive themselves favorably. They generally like themselves and believe they are competent and capable of handling life’s challenges. Conversely, those with low self-esteem regard themselves as incapable, unlikable, or even unworthy. Low self-esteem is related to depression and a number of psychosomatic ailments such as loss of appetite, insomnia, nervousness, and headaches. On the whole, people with low self-esteem do not feel valued by themselves or by others and doubt their ability to add value. Self-acceptance and self-esteem are thus critical for mattering. Self-esteem has important implications for a host of life domains. Those high in self-esteem experience more positive emotions and are significantly happier than those with low self-esteem. In fact, high self-esteem is considered one of the most dominant predictors of happiness.

To matter in relationships is to feel valued and to add value. Strong bonds enable us to feel loved, appreciated, recognized, and affirmed. This is the first part of the equation. The second part is helping one another add value to the relationship and the world. In this chapter we focus on the bonds we have with people close to us: family, friends, and fellow workers. If you want to experience mattering in a relationship it is essential to express, and not just think, positive things about your loved ones. If you want to matter in the inner circle you don’t have to avoid conflict – you just have to know how to handle it. Healthy relationships are characterized by effective management of conflict, not by the avoidance of it, as it is all but inevitable. Many people stay away from conflict because they think that it is the end of the world. They close up, shut down, and avoid addressing the conflict, leaving neither party satisfied. But well-managed conflict can lead to intrapersonal and interpersonal growth and to a stronger relational bond.